Gay male in my early 20's here. Am really in need of some help! I feel like this is one of the most confusing situations I've ever had and goes beyond the typical "Does he or doesn't he like me?" dilemma. I apologize if this becomes really long. I'd appreciate so much any help!!
About 2 weeks ago I met this guy. He's 19 (I'm 21), just moved to NYC a few months ago from VT. We immediately start talking a lot - spending entire days texting - and make plans to hang out. We go to dinner and movie, and have this amazing connection! It's so rare for me that I'll actually like somebody but I found myself really falling for him, really quickly. That night after our first date, he's texting me and says "I'm so happy we met!! You have no idea! Tonight was the best I've felt since I've been here! I think you're so cool! I can't even explain how comfortable I felt with you and how uncomfortable I've been since I've been in New York. Can we hang out soon??" So I tell him that I felt the same way. He says "I really like you a lot!". Aside from the fact that I found myself liking him in a way I haven't liked someone in years, I thought it was really cool that he was so honest and genuine. So we make plans for the next day. We go to dinner and then back to his apartment.
I think it was then that I started to notice things and come to the conclusion that he has Aspergers. I don't know that for a fact, however I absolutely know he does. He has all the signs of it. He had told me that he has basically no friends here and he doesn't really have many back home either. At dinner, he's telling me things like he wants me to go back home with him to VT for a weekend at the end of the month, and saying things like "This person I work with really wants to meet you!". So we go back to his place. He seemed pretty nervous, but I was too. I noticed that he had taped to his wall the movie ticket from the movie we saw the day before AND the matchbook from the restaurant we went to!! After hanging out for a while, we decide to watch a movie while lying in his bed. FINALLY things started to happen! We had our arms and legs all around each other, I had my head on his shoulder, he was holding my hand. It felt amazing. The entire night, we fall asleep in each others arms. Halfway through the night, he woke up and just pulled me closer to him and we kissed.
In the morning, things felt weird. He was being really weird and silent. I was only there for like 15 minutes before leaving, and he didn't even walk me to the door or to the elevator or anything! I had a weird vibe. But then by the time I got to the subway, I had 3 texts from him saying what a great time he had! The next day, I was pretty busy but we continue texting all the time, and make plans for the following day. He said he wanted me to model for him (He's a photographer, I'm a model).
When I got off the train to meet him, I had 6 texts from him! He sounded so anxious to see me, saying things like "Are you almost there???" and "I'm just going to buy cigarettes real quick but I'll be right back, 2 seconds, so don't worry!!". I felt SO good about everything! So I meet up with him, and he's being weird and silent, and it's difficult to get a conversation started. So we go to his place to take pictures. Finally, he loosened up and we started laughing our asses off and having a great time and being flirty. At one point, we were lying on his bed and he was lying with his head on my shoulder and stuff. It was weird though...he kept flipping back and forth between between being weird and being cool, it was literally like clockwork, every 30 minutes or so! So we go outside for a cigarette and he says to me "I'm probably just going to edit these pictures and go to bed tonight", which I didn't like so I said "Um do you want me to leave or something...?". He says "Yeah, after this cigarette". ?!?! So we go upstairs and he says "So, what are we gonna do tonight?" WTF??
So we decide to watch a movie. It was SO strange. For the first like 30 mins of the movie, he had his arm around me, was playing with my hair, being really sweet. And then, all of a sudden...he just stopped. He started moving away from me, which really confused me because nothing happened! I'd move my arm next to his, he'd move his away. He was moving so far away that he nearly fell off the bed! And then... he asks me to spend the night. ON AN AIR MATTRESS!!! As soon as he said that, I moved far away from him and just waited for the movie to end. Now I was the one acting weird and distant and giving one word answers. I was hoping he'd ask why or confront it but he didn't. So I just left as soon as the movie ended...having to go home all the way from the East Village to the Upper West Sid|||Your just another person on YA! who believes innuendo, half truths, conjecture and anecdotes who now thinks they're qualified to diagnose Aspergers. Trust me, you're well wide of the mark here!
From what you've said here my only thought is he may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While this condition is far more common in women it may explain his mood changes and problems with even rudimentary commitment. I've met several women on YA! with BPD who seem rather nice but my experience in the real world, including dating a borderline, is very different. My apologies to the afore mentioned ladies but experience tells to run as fast as you can and never look back!|||If he had Aspberger's there's no way he would be interacting with you to that level. It would be the opposite. He's somebody you need to get away from and fast. Do not pass GO and do not collect $100.|||I feel like I am in the same situation though we both are aspies and if you think its difficult to read an aspie or for the aspie to read you its even worse when you both can't read social cues nor give off any social cues-its really difficult-sometimes we get fixated on a thought and we retreat into ourselves and it seems like we are being unresponsive but we are disappearing into our own minds because we are focused on a thought-it's not you- aspie thoughts can come rapidly and it takes us time to process and sometimes it takes a while-I have the problem is that I do not know how he feels about me even though I feel that I like him very much but being an aspie makes me real shy and not able to express my feelings and it makes it tough-I have had the problem on instant messaging with this person-he will take sometimes over an hour to respond to a question-sometimes it comes the next morning because he signs off and logs back in the next morning and then responds-I sometimes go to bed thinking that I have upset him or offended him and then it bugs me because I fixate on all the scenarios as to why no response. It is difficult to say the least. The one thing I found is that we tend to fixate on the details and objects-hence the tickets on the wall and souvenirs,and have a problem relating with people-and when it comes to people we are cautious and like to take things at a slower pace often-there are exceptions-we are looking for acceptance and what other people think because we cant tell-hence him wanting you to meet coworkers-we need input that we cant sense, by asking other people-I do it all the time with IM's because I cant tell if there are any hidden meanings in what was text-ed-it helps me out alot.|||aspergers are people who sort of lack subtlity. on the spectrum we all have different sypmtoms aspergers are well known for not being socialable. we get on peoples nerves they think we are wierd. in our head its like we cant get comfortable around people its really hard. its takes alot of understanding to be with one. i can tell you this though......what ever he does manage to say to you take completely at face value. we dont understand sarcasm you can generally accept anything he says as what he really means.|||Hi there,
Sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I am writing because I felt something very familiar when reading about your situation. I was hung up on a guy like this for two years and it never came to anything. He drove me crazy because one moment he was all over me and then the next I wouldn't hear from him for ages. One moment he was talking to me like we were in a relationship then he would step back and only respond to conversations more along the lines of friendship. This guy definitely did not have Aspergers (my little nephew does so I know the difference and the symptoms too). The guy I was with just a commitment-phobic idiot who just messed me around and loved the attention and love I gave him but that was it - he was never going to commit to a full relationship or even treat me with respect. I have since met someone else who has shown me exactly what love and a real relationship SHOULD be like and it's nothing like I was going through previously.
You sound like a really lovely guy who has a lot to give to someone else - you deserve someone who isn't afraid of taking that step and trying to have a relationship. Someone who will always be upfront and honest with you.
I hope you find happiness
Sam x|||Ok that was long..... I don't think he has Asperger's. People with Asperger's don't flirt and don't get social cues very well and are very socially awkward. If anything he sounds more bipolar. Hot and then cold. If you want the drama, then go for it... but he sounds like a lot of work and possibly a lot of drama. I would maybe back off for a while and take it a little slower and see what happens.
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