Feeling like there's no hope for a happy and quiet life where my relationship's concerned, my husband is so irritable he can't stand to be around me. A little background:We have a baby boy and he goes to school 1-5.15pm daily (he's 43 and got fired 2 years ago hit badly by recession so he's attempting a career change), he had unemployment payment but that was revoked in June, he studies full time and has not found a job that would offer the 2-3 shifts per week he could squeeze in and we agreed it would be a bad idea to compromise his studies as his course is intense. I am 33 and have been supporting my family financially since Sept 2009, when we met I was his boss, I used to manage NYC restaurants but am now a stay at home mommy. When my husband smokes weed daily and has done since we met. Sometimes he smokes twice but it's always after school in the evenings. When he comes home from work he does not honor me the privilege of a conversation, he turns on the tv or checks out online poker tournaments (he plays for v v little money), he twists a simple comment I make and says I'm attacking him. Eg. I signed him up for a bone marrow donor program to help people with leukemia (they needed people of his particular ethnicity) and he claims I'm nasty and misled him as the procedure of extracting the bone marrow is painful if he was ever found to be a match. His moms been here for the past 3 weeks and Ive been with her everyday and he gives me no credit for catering to her, all the while she has no idea her son smokes weed and that I support our family and I bought all the nice things we have. I didnt care for money or material goods and Im happy to support my husband so he can better himself as no one else gave him this chance before (he supported his ex wife while she went to school) but I'm getting so fed up of feeling like he has no respect for me, when I feel like I put a lot into our marriage. He regularly gets so angry he throws things and breaks them, he's thrown smallish items at me whilst I'm holding the baby, he shouts loudly over me during arguments refusing to let me state my case, demanding I shut up immediately or else, he curses at me in front of our son daily, he nit picks at every little bad thing I do, like if something is not prepared correctly in the kitchen, or the way I close the curtains, or the way I push the stroller down two small stairs out of our apartment. Meanwhile, I hate him smoking weed but don't kill his 'me time' by telling him it sucks everyday when he goes out to do it. When I tell him not to swear at me he tells me I'm a back talker and that no one ever told me to shut up when I'm a kid. I look a little younger than my years and he treats me like a teenage girl at times. I don't know what to do he's so dependent on weed I don't see him giving up till he's graduated, he says he wants to but he's never managed a day without weed when he's been with me and blames me for smoking more. I don't drink now since I became a mother and don't do drugs (yeah I experimented in the past but have grown up since then). I keep messing up my post pregnancy diet as he stresses me so much and I eat when stressed (I used to smoke cigarettes but gave them up when I got pregnant) so I'm just staying big coz of all the stress. He thinks doctors, counselors and the like are for 'freaks and losers' not him, he's a very private person and would never ever go to either about weed or mood swings. What can I do?? I feel like the world sees his cordial side and I'm getting hell at home, I want my son to have a father but this is not going well and when we're nice to each other it feels fake because I can't forget how mean he is so regularly. Please advise!|||I feel for you. I really do.
When I read your post ? I thought I was reading about me and my Man. The only difference ? We don't have little ones underfoot and he has completed his education. He has been out of a regular paying job since he was let go in August 2007, and I have been supporting the family. He never got unemployment and I was laid off and get unemployment.
However, it has just ended and I am not sure what is going to happen.
We have both been looking for jobs. We are moving out of State (from California to Nevada) because everything is SO expensive.
Here is what I have learned:
Pot will always be more important to him then you are.
Believe me.
I know.
I broke up with a fiance once because of that.
I never felt first with him.
His pot was his mistress and the other woman in the relationship.
If he has extra money ? It goes to her.
His temper and temperament ? It changes drastically throughout a given day. Then he gets a taste of her and he mellows out and may fall asleep at his on-line video gambling screen.
You go to speak to him about ANYTHING ? He yells at you because you are interrupting his "play" time.
It gets to the point that she is his top priority - no matter what.
You may see him for meals and bedtime (but he spends time with her FIRST).
If you have a date or an arrangement to spend time together or to talk ? He will pick her over you.
If you have a heated discussion ? He will go to her for sympathy.
If he needs to make a decision ? He will go to her.
Eventually, he won't be able to "do it" (if you know what I mean). It is a side effect I noticed.
It will always be so.
Unless he breaks up with her.
Peace.|||Take him to a good physicarist.|||Leave.
Do not stay for the kid.|||call the cops when he acts up and use that time to get the hell out!|||He needs rehab if he is to ever better himself. Tell him if he won't go then call the police. Think of the police coming when you haven't called they'd take both of you. You don't need that kind of man around your kid. Theres a reason why he has an ex, maybe it was him. I'm sure he is under a lot of stress with not much work and school. That being said men process things differently yes sex to them means love, so for a while you will need to fake it . It may get the ball rolling so he will relax and be up to stopping the weed. Remind him of all the brain cells he is losing with all the drugs.|||You are in an abusive relationship. You should try to get help for him, if you an get it. Counseling might be helpful, but I have to wonder whether he may have a hormone imbalance or something. Maybe you should try to book him to see an endocrinologist. Seriously! But look, this can't go on like this; it's only going to get worse if it doesn't get addressed. He cannot be happy, and obviously neither can you in this situation. I mean, c'mon--"back talker"? As if you don't have every right to say your mind that he does? This is an incredibly bad situation that could escalate to very bad things. I hope that you can find a way to remove yourself from this environment while he works on whatever his issues are. If you accept this type of behavior now and do nothing, then you'll only be making it worse and worse. I empathize and hope that you can work this out. The drugs definitely aren't helping. If he refuses all help, then what can you do but escape? That or suffer forever. It's all up to you.|||This sure is a long cry-out for advice.
I can't help feeling no love here at all.
You want your boy to have a father.............maybe he'd be a better father to your son, if you live apart.
If he's not into counseling , then I'd suggest you count your losses and start your own life. You can control your own life, but not his.
All the best of luck to all of you.|||Sweetheart.....Your husband is verbally, emotionally and physically (throwing things) abusing you. Although he hasn't put his hands on you yet, it will be just a matter of time before that happens with his angry emotional attacks on you and his temper tantrums. You are stressed out to the max, eating because of his emotional abuse to you.....and he tells you that everything is all your fault...Do you REALLY believe that? He is tromping on your heart, wearing down your self-esteem, and makes you feel like your relationship is something that YOU are in need of repairing on your part while he gets to do as he pleases.
Well, I am here to tell you that it is not your fault....he has alot of issues that need desperate attention, but there again tells you straight out he is NOT going to get help for.
It is really sad in my opinion that while he is beating down your self-esteem.....you make yourself feel better by overeating because of the stress.....Honey what is he doing to you? Are you seeing how all of the things he is doing is affecting you and stressing you out so badly....He's hurting you and you don't know how to handle it....
Do you want to live like this feeling unworthy and belittled by the man who should be building you up and loving you and respecting you and treating you like an equal partner in a marriage relationship?
Do you want your child growing up in this environment? With Dad angry and yelling and smoking weed and disrespecting you? Of course you do not....because if Dad disrespects you, he will teach your son to disrespect you as well.....and that would be a horribly sad thing.....
Get out NOW....Get out of this relationship while you still can....before something bad happens, before it starts affecting your son as it affects you....
Sweetheart, I would never suggest to anyone to leave their partner unless it was the only way, and I feel that it is....with no help, your husband is not going to change....he has mental health issues, anger management issues, pot smoking issues, and he takes all of his pain and frustration out on YOU.
Please take your son and get out....No one should have to live like this. You said yourself that you supported the family when he could not....you could get out and make it on your own....you do not need a man like him treating you like garbage....
Find someone who will truly love you and respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Your son deserves a happy life....You deserve a happy life.....let your husband wallow in his self-pity, and anger for everyone and everything around him....you don't have to....
He's an abuser....don't let him take you any further down than he already has....
Make a plan, get out, and have that happy life that you and your son deserve.....
I truly wish the best for you sweetness....I wish comfort for you when you need it the most, and most of all I wish happiness always for you and that sweet little boy of yours....!!!!!
((((((((HUGS)))))))....Linda
P.S. I want you to know that I know exactly what you are going through....I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man for 20 years of my life....I stayed for my children...I thought it was the right thing to do (regardless of how I felt)....One day, out of the blue, he dared to put his hands on me and physically abuse me.....that is when I left and never looked back....I have never once ever regretted my decision....It can be done....Be strong...Make a happy life for yourself....Good luck to you hon.....
Please feel free to email me anytime....|||First find a place to go, then tell him if he doesn't go to NarcAnnon (NA) continuously for the next year then you and the baby are out! If he refuses and he probably will, be prepared to follow through. You chose a hell of a father for your son! You knew he smoked weed when you married him. Why would you want that type of person around your children?! ( I'm done ranting now). If the apartment is solely in your name than change the locks and kick him out. Also, if you do leave, do so when he isn't there and don't tell him when you are doing so. As a side note, to keep track of his attendance, they have attendance cards that can be initialed and brought back to however is monitoring them.|||Food play a huge role in mood swings, and aggretion of course the weed does not help, go online and look up what kinds of foods you can start feeding him and this could be a starting point for you.|||You need to leave this loser. Who buys his weed? WHAT is he studying at school that he can't work P/T at McDonald's, but he can smoke weed?
PLEASE!|||Pack your stuff and leave, file divorce at your earliest time.
You should not stay with this guy for any reason, sake of the child does not count.|||If you talk like you write he might just be irritated that you never shut up .
Maybe if you really want input you can narrow this down to the relevant facts ?|||I confess to not having read the entire post. But I feel qualified to respond having been raised by a douchebag father (such as you describe) and a door mat mother (which you clearly are). Its had a damaging effect on me and my relationships. You couldnt change him if you tried. maybe he'll fix himself and maybe he wont, either way if not for yourself then for your son - get out.
Signed: Victim of unhappy parents.
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